The concept of “What If” is appealing not because it’s an alternate Marvel universe (that I ultimately dropped half way and now watch clips on Youtube instead). It’s appealing to every human person outside the Marvel venn diagram. Anyone who’s ever wished their life has turn out differently has found themselves in the land of “What If”. It’s a fantasy land, fictional much like Marvel, and it serves at the best time: a intermission daydream that break us from the problem of reality, and at the worst time: a open invitation to beat yourself up.
Because it’s New Year now, it’s almost unavoidable. I don’t know how people could go through this time of the year, write their year in review and not at least once thought how their life could be different. Every-time I see picture of a friend abroad (seemingly) thriving in their job and their social life, my mind go to the What If game. I know it’s really silly, and if you’re one of those friends reading this, you must think I’m really naive and stupid. Because your life is harder and more complicated than a picture on Instagram shows.
But the What If game itself is, to be honest, silly. As an adult, it functions almost an alternate way to dream, especially for those of us who are too jaded, to cynical to dream (or admit that we still believe in it like a child). I envy my friend lives, cause it was the life I dreamed, it’s still the life I still secretly think about when I look at their pictures and the life maybe I could have if things were different.
The What If game also function as a time portal, it let us jump back in time to a fictional version history with an entirely new chain of events, ultimately leading to the present day version of the life that we want. It allow us to fantasize about changing the past and the thing we regret, while simultaneously keeping those regrets alive.
I still can fulfil that dream, but it wouldn’t be the same as daydreaming about it. Because this is a game of What If, not a game of Planning Your Future (like I said, it’s silly). It’s a hypothetical thinking fueled by positive imagination. I say positive because I wouldn’t be thinking about the hardship I would go through, or how my life could be worst in this alternate universe. I could have cancer and die young, I could found success and eventually lost myself in booze, drugs and ego. Or I simply failed to thrive, because I was away from home, alone and isolated. The point of the game is to image the best possible “self” - a self that exist in a “prime” universe, where the “ultimate” you exist, the version yourself - past, present, future - that is so perfect, it can finally put and end to all self loathing.
You can say it’s a silly game and it won’t help improve the quality of my life or my future. In today world, with self help books, podcasts, youtubers and influencers telling me how to live the best version of myself, it feels almost morbid to write something other than a list of the thing I’m proud of. But it’s very human to be jealous, and to feel pathetic from times to times. The habit of playing the What If game is already built into each of us by capitalism and social media.
I guess I would rather be honest to myself and say I envy other people, than to write a Year In Review, to hide my insecurity under achievements I don’t even feel that proud about.